Realization

我突然發現。。。命。。。不只這樣。 現在過的人生;即將結束。新的未來,即將抵達。我,現在只在等待。突然覺得說以前,過去的事,一點都不重要。現在的朋友,依然不重要。現在的交情,友情,連愛情都不重要。最重要的是我有辦法面對未來,勇敢的往前一步。我突然發現,現在的我,並不是在真正的活著,只是在過日子而已。現在這樣的生活,在我心裡的深處還真不對勁。現在已在找幸福,會不會太早了一點?這。。。不知我。這只是個假面,等待着未來。好,繼續過著日子吧。新開始離我不遠了!

I started to write a post in English, but none of the words I was saying made sense to me. They didn’t feel right, and I guess that just goes to show how limited a language can be—some emotions better suit another tongue. 

Second semester of senior year.

I’ve waited for this moment for most of my life. I’ve waited to actually have the feeling of longing, nostalgia, and the disappearance of that desire to leave, to escape from this place. This is that one time in our lives when everyone in our lives are going to go their separate ways, take different paths, different routes, probably to never cross again. 

I’m sure I’ll miss this place, but as the weeks pass, that desire to leave has only grown at an exponential rate. I feel confined here—perhaps as a result of my own thoughts and own over-thinking, but I need a fresh start badly.

I’m going to try my best and translate the above paragraph in Chinese. 

I suddenly realized… life… is not just what we see in front of us now. The life I’m living now is about to end, and a new future is about to begin. And I, I’m just waiting. I suddenly feel like that the past, the things that have happened, are really so unimportant and minuscule. The friends now are unimportant. The connections, relationships, friendships—they’re all unimportant. The most important is for me to be able to face the future, confidently and securely stepping forward into this unknown. I suddenly realized that as the person I am now—I’m not really living, but just pushing forward, day by day. This life now feels so wrong to me in the deep recesses of my heart. And looking for happiness now… is that too early? This… isn’t me. This is just a face, waiting for the future. Alright, time to continue pushing forward. A new start is, hopefully, just around the corner!

And now, it’s just as I said—time to continue pushing forward. 持之以恆.

Conforming to conformity

The very existence of society represents the existence of conformity. Conformity is more than simply following rules or laws, perhaps even more than being in accordance to socially acceptable standards or customs. Conformity is, in a sense, synonymous with society, construction, development, evolution, and even the presence or absence of change. Conformity is the written word, the spoken tongue, and the quiet thoughts that run through our minds.

You can’t escape conformity completely.

We all have a moral obligation to resist injustice, even if doing so places one at risk.

That statement was so easy for me to say, so easy for me to type out. Perhaps I do strongly believe this to be true, perhaps I do think at the sight of injustice one must stand up and speak out. But two things hinder me from doing so. First, through our history classes, we have learned that to speak out on what is considered “unjust” is the right thing to do, in fact, the noble thing to do. Our Founding Fathers chose to do so, as well as the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, or even Winston Churchill. One may even argue the current Occupy movement fits within the likes of these great men, people who stood up against something that was “wrong,” and tried to make things “right.”

But what is right, and what is wrong? In fact, more than just that, what does right mean and what does wrong mean? What if what is right is actually wrong and what is wrong is, consequently, right? Who decides what is unjust, or even how to stand up to the injustice?

Society does. Conformity does. If the Founding Fathers didn’t have thousands of revolutionaries banding behind them, wouldn’t the British have crushed them, executed them, and sent them into the dark depths of history? And if millions of blacks across the country were too afraid to voice their views and failed to show support for MLK, would the 60s have ended on a different note? Had Indians not already desired independence, would Gandhi still have starved himself for days in an act of defiance? We characterize history to be millions backing one man (or a group of men), when we should be considerate of the millions backing them. Simply put, they are nothing more than faces, figureheads, and symbols of change.

So yes. I guess one can say we have a “moral obligation” to resist “injustice,” even if doing so places one at “risk.” But society decides what is moral and what is immoral, society decides what is just and unjust, and society decides how alienated the dissenter will be.

I would argue that my beliefs are not my own, but the product of society, thus the product of conformity. I can say what I believe in, and there will surely be someone who agrees with me. In fact, there are probably a million others who do so as well. So am I really standing out, am I really on the “just” side?

Take California’s Proposition 8. More than thirteen million people voted on this measure, resulting in a seven million yes votes and six and a half million no votes. Who am I to argue against the seven million people who voted yes? How can I be possibly be on the “just” side if there are roughly the same number of people on the opposite side? I can try to resist “injustice” as much as I want, but whether or not what I’m resisting is “unjust” or not is wholly up for debate.

No, you say. There must be current issues where there is a side which is going to be strictly “just” and another side which is strictly “unjust.” Last time I checked, however there is still an estimated 250 million children working (aged between 5 and 14) worldwide. Oh yes, I must be a horrible person. Child labor is simply, obviously unjust, and there isn’t a single thing I can say in support of child labor. Clearly you didn’t read the number correctly. It’s two hundred and fifty million children. No? Those children, you say, are being forced to work, are being exploited, and are not willingly entering the work force.

Obviously you don’t know that even in the US, children as young as 12 can legally work in the fields in the agricultural industry, or that in Asia, 22% of the workforce is made up of children, and a more shocking 32% in Africa. I can go on in defense of child labor. Before the Industrial Revolution, basically all children worked the fields alongside their families. At the height of the Industrial Revolution, they flocked into the cities to find jobs (typically with unreasonable pay).

Justice can be easily blurred, depending on the society one belongs to, on what form of conformity one has aligned themselves to.

At this time of our lives, when we are maturing and learning, taking in all that the world has to offer, I’ve noticed that some of us mature significantly quicker than others do. Sometimes we’re forced to—whether it be because of a traumatic event marking our lives, or any significant upheaval in the way we live, or lived, our lives. Because I don’t want to digress too far, I’ll simply say that I have had a couple such experiences in my life. Sometimes when I look back to my childhood, I laugh to myself at my innocence, the naïveté that characterizes our youth. Sometimes it hurts. It’s that feeling of “If youth knew” stabbing at my heart (Etienne). The prevailing feeling that I’ve been having more often now, however, is a desire to regress back into that naïveté, that unassuming simplicity which once exemplified my life. What joy it was to not understand, and what pain it is to understand.

I’d rather live that lie.

And it’s that feeling of standing on the wrong side of the line (at least, the side that I would prefer not to be in) that really causes me to think and ponder on many of the minuscule aspects of life. I know that I am one who pays very close attention to my surroundings—how people interact and why they interact they way they do have always intrigued me. If I were to be lined up with the billions of people who inhabit this planet in a race, I would be the one who fails to hear the blast of the gun to begin the race because I’d be wondering what the motivations of different people are, how they’ll do, or even why they’ll do as well as they do.

But I’m always left with countless unanswered questions—and they all boil down to one simple one: How is it that I exist?

No, I’m not asking why I exist—although I’d love to find an answer to that—what interests me more is how I’ve come to be who I am, how the person I am today exists. In fact, it’s more than just me, but also my friends, family, community, and society.

And I’ve think I’ve slowly begun to form a conclusion. And that answer is conformity.

Frankly, I think conformity has an unfortunate negative connotation to it. I don’t think conformity is bad—no, conformity tends to bring happiness. The absence of that conformity tends to bring about trouble and difficulty. Thus I’d argue that many things that compose this world of ours are the product of conformity—even if there are contradictory sides to any one issue. It is these common ideals and values that are shared amongst the millions that characterize this world, and with the onslaught of globalization and the homogenization of the cultures and peoples of this planet, these very ideals and values are becoming increasingly unified—the product of further conformity, typically leaning towards the ideals and values of the greater majority.

You claim that you don’t conform? Conformity doesn’t only take place when there are differing opinions or you think you might believe in what the majority opposes, but it is entrenched deep into the basic building blocks of our lives and society. Language is, as I believe, king and key to conformity—I’ve previously said in posts from last semester that to understand a culture is to be able to understand its language, and in turn, understand what the members of the culture conform to. The simple usage of language is conformity in of itself, as well as following rules, laws, or any other guidelines set by people for the “greater good.” To survive in this society, one must prescribe to the basic principles of conformity.

I am the product of conformity, as are you.

Like water

From my 25 page masters thesis for my senior English class, section ten (slight edits):

I once wrote the following:

“I can still feel the tears running down my face the day my parents told me the news and the day of my grandma’s funeral. It burns, and it leaves me so thirsty. Not necessarily for water, but to fill that gaping hole which I felt had formed in my heart.”

In Like Water by Elizabeth Spires, I was shocked to read the following lines:

You paused,
drawing in a breath. “It’s like a thirst that deepens
as each day passes. Like water,” you finally said. 
“I want him back the way I want a drink of water.” 

It’s a thirst that can never be quenched. 

Of all the pages I have written thus far, this section is by far the most difficult. I have considered taking it out, I have considered re-writing it, and I have considered combining it with another section. 

But this quote I think deserves to stand alone:

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost” (Chesterton). 

It isn’t until it’s lost, however, that we realize that it could be lost. 

It’s not until we’re standing alone, and feeling lonely, that we are able to recall all that had gone wrong, the mistakes we’ve made, or just how much we needed he or she who was lost. It is then, and only then, until we are able to appreciate anything and everything that the person brought into our lives, whether it is a lover, a friend, or even a grandmother. 

And this feeling is the worst in the world. I feel hopeless, even though I know my happiness is in my own control, and I feel increasingly insecure. And what is this I feel? Alone, perhaps? But “alone,” alone is when you’re alone in an empty room, and lonely is when you’re in a crowded room, yet you feel alone. Alone is just an exclamation mark on a blank page, while lonely is an exclamation mark on a page filled with commas. 

I’m that exclamation mark.

But I know as life progresses, I will only get thirstier, and nothing that I try to do will be able to quench this thirst. 

You can’t love until you’ve lost.

Bucket List

-Try authentic Spanish Paella
-Try different meats, such as rabbit or frog
-Eat deep-dish pizza in Chicago and thin crust pizza in New York
-Attempt to try the foul-smelling durian fruit
-Have a cup of civet coffee
-Learn to make beef wellington, and eat it
-Try an authentic dish from as many cultures around the world
-Learn to bake, make ice cream, and cook creatively
-Learn how to dance
-Master (or at least be able to communicate) in Japanese
-And German
-And French
-And Korean
-And Italian
-And Taiwanese (get better at it)
-Speak French in Paris, ish in Madrid, German in Berlin, Korean in Seoul, Italian in Venice,
Japanese in Tokyo, Chinese in Beijing, and Taiwanese in Taipei.
-Skydive
-Ride a horse without freaking out
-Be able to forgive
-Try skiing or snowboarding
-Go to a legit white water rafting, not level one
-Run a marathon
-Self-teach myself coding
-Be published/write a book

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On words and language

Words typically represent much more than we first face them to be. They don’t have one set meaning, but they represent a feeling, an emotion. Every person has a different feeling or emotion for different words. Words with similar dictionary definitions take on different meanings. Justice and fairness—now there’s a pair that we seem to constantly pair up. Justice is to be fair and to have fairness is to have justice. Those two words, however, represent different emotions and different feelings for, of course, different people.

Both of these feelings (of “justice” and “fairness”), however, have been subjected the nightmare all living languages must bear, which is to throw those feelings in a certain set amount of letters (in languages that use the Latin alphabet, anyway) with a certain spelling, a certain way of pronouncing it, and a certain way to write it down, and we end up with a word.

It’s not really just a word, however.

It’s a box.

Like our choices and judgments, these “words” (feelings and emotions) outgrow their boxes after time. Take “love.” The complexity of this emotion (literally) manifests itself in word form, with some languages having many different ways to express this feeling.

What fairness meant to us as children probably doesn’t mean the same thing as it does for us today—nor do any of the other words. As our morals and beliefs, our choices and judgments, our character and personality grow and expand, as those aspects of our lives tear down the walls of their box and expand to form new walls, these words do as well.

I felt like spending time to understand words themselves is very important, and not just the fact that the meaning may change for us, but especially that different people may believe these words to mean different things. They aren’t defined differently, but they take on a different emotion and a different feeling.


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