Alton Wang

Somebody That I Used to Know

Tue, 22 May 2012 18:57:00 -0700

I can’t recognize myself in the mirror. I’m not exaggerating in the slightest, I genuinely can’t. When I picture myself and what I look like, nothing definite comes to mind. I see a vague outline, certain features, or even the double chin that comes about when I look down, but I can’t put it all together anymore.

I can tell you who I am—my name is Alton Wang, I was born in the 626, I speak four languages, I love eating and cooking, I spend a ridiculous amount of time taming my hair every morning, and I blast Chinese music when I’m alone. That is what I’ve said to every potential roommate during my roommate search.

Nothing physical. I would never mention that I have brown eyes or that my hair is, in fact, black, or that I’ve been struggling with my weight since I was in elementary school, or even that if you look carefully, you can see the remnants of a surgery I had on my eyelids as a child.

Who I feel like I am as a person is so disparate and so disjointed from what I see in the mirror that I tend to avoid studying my face in the mirror. We’ve all done that. Stare at your face—or actually, anyone’s face, for that matter—and you’ll notice features you’ve never seen before. I know the faces of people I’ve just met far better than the people I’ve known all my life—once I know the person, physical features are replaced by emotional and characteristic features.

I’ve felt lost for quite some time now. I feel like I’ve lost touch with who I think I am or who I want to be, and who I really am.

But I know the reason why.

For a number of years, I’ve been burying my head in the past. I’ve been clinging on to vestiges of the past, old relationships, old friendships, things that have been fading for quite some time—but I’ve just been unable to let go. For the past two years, I’ve consciously known that I do this. Yet I cling on, throwing more and more hope, time, patience, and attention to something that, simply said, has already died.

It’s the time, however, to reinvent myself. And I’ve been trying so hard this year to do just that. I’ve been investing in new friendships, letting old ones fade, pushing back on the clinginess, broadening my perspectives, learning and trying new things, and trying to let myself simply let go. Change is not something that I accept readily, but I’m working so hard to try to embrace change as a positive, and not negative, aspect of life.

I hope that the Alton Wang you’d possibly meet at Wesleyan won’t be the Alton Wang you know. Sure, there are some things that I want to keep from my personality and character today, but most of me I want to erase and start over. I chose a school twenty-five hundred miles away where I know no one for a reason—so I can have that fresh start, so I can actually be the person I want to be and not trapped in the person I am today.

I’ve already decided (I don’t think I’ve told my parents this) that the chance of me ever coming back to the 626 to stay permanently is slim-to-none. I don’t hate this place, per se, but looking back, I’ve made so many mistakes here I’d really rather to leave it all behind and start anew; but especially, to never look back.

Sure, I feel nostalgic about leaving Arcadia, but I’m ready to meet new people, new kinds of people, expand my horizons, challenge my perspectives, open up my views, and grow as a person.

I’ve already begun this process. I’ve changed the way I interact with friends, stopped dwelling on where I went wrong, and accepted the past for the past—and the fact that I really can’t change the past.

I’m doing this on all fronts—emotionally and physically. I don’t want to look in the mirror in a year from now and not recognize who I am—I swear, I don’t know where this belly of mine came from. Though over the years I’ve learned how to hide it better by wearing certain clothes, I’m tired of it. I miss just wearing a t-shirt and having it look decent. I don’t want the people I meet at Wes to look at the old me and recognize me at all—I want them to wonder who in the world this Alton before the summer of 2012 was, and why he is nothing like the Alton of today (the future, as of now).

So I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, I’ve changed the way I handle difficult situations, I’ve stopped wishing for better days in the past, and I’ve moved on.

The Alton Wang of 1994-2011 is just somebody that I used to know.

As corny as it goes, these are the moments in senior year I live...

Sun, 20 May 2012 22:58:05 -0700

As corny as it goes, these are the moments in senior year I live for!

Hiked up to Griffith Observatory with bags of Umami Burgers and some soda in a cooler to watch the partial solar eclipse. The walk was ridiculously steep and I complained the entire time, but it was definitely worth it.

Choices

Sat, 19 May 2012 14:20:03 -0700

I’m really scared right now that I made the wrong choice months ago. I told myself that there was no way that I would become an art director in advertising, and that the field just really isn’t for me. Right now, looking back, I realize how different my dream exactly one year ago is from mine now. I’m not even sure if I have a dream anymore.

I miss working on ad stuff. I miss getting into a campaign, throwing yourself and immersing your soul into the world of materialistic thought and aesthetic appeal. But it’s also so much more than that. It’s a platform for me to learn and grow as a person, every piece of research I’ve done for any ad project has only added and helped me learn more and expand my views on the world.

That was all I wanted out of a future career—to keep expanding, to keep learning. I don’t think I can get more disparate from ad then to be going to a small liberal arts university on the east coast versus Art Center.

Right now, I’m going through all my old ad stuff, or at least all the stuff that I still have. I feel like that was when I really was myself… when I was the most at ease and the most comfortable with whatever I would have been doing. I haven’t felt that way in a while. I still remember the conversation I had with my awesome ad/graphic design teacher Z about me stepping aside from pursuing advertising; that was the moment I switched gears.

I just really hope I made the right choice. There really is no turning back now.

If Heaven was closer

Wed, 16 May 2012 19:43:00 -0700

I’d finally be able to go visit you. I’d tell you how much I’ve missed you, how much I’ve needed you in these past few years, and how much you’ve missed out on. I’d tell you about how hard I’ve tried, with you in the back of my mind the entire time, to make you and proud. I’d tell you that you get the most credit in shaping me into the way I am today, and that everything good about me I get from you. I’d tell you that there is no other person I want back in my life, even though I know you’re with me 24/7. I’d tell you that I’m ready to set out on my own because of you. I’d tell you how sorry I am for never being able to take care of you and unable to do something while you slowly grew weaker. I’d tell you how lost I feel and how misdirected I feel, how conflicted I am in faith, life, and love. You carved a huge chunk out of my heart, and I still feel a little empty every day of my life. You left too early.

I only hope you’re up there, somewhere, watching over me. I just have this feeling that you are.

Then We, We Can Live Forever

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:18:00 -0700

I have this odd habit where I just stop everything I’m doing at the moment, close my eyes, and think. I take in that moment, put things into context, remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing, and take note of my past that led me to that point, and the future that I might be headed towards. This is how I don’t lose faith, this is how I don’t waver, and this is how I’ve made it to where I am.

You should try it sometime.

Stop panicking, stop worrying, and stop the confusion for just one moment—and piece it all together for yourself.

I have a goal in mind. I might not be sure of what it really is yet, but I know there must be something out there for me, and I’m determined to find it.

To me, time is a segment. It’s not a circle, it’s not a point, and it’s not an infinite line—time begins the moment you are born, thus when your consciousness exists, and ends the moment you die. Perhaps history is simply a figment of the imagination. But that’s not what I want to say.

There is no past, present, and future; there is only the known, the currently experiencing, and the unknown. It’s naught to do with destiny, free will, determination, or any of that jazz—my point is simple. There really is no cause and effect, your past doesn’t determine your future, nor does your future determine your past. It’s both. Your future (i.e., your goals, dreams, aspirations) determine what you do and how you do it—creating your past. Your past (i.e., what you’ve done, what you’ve failed to do, and what you tried to do) determine whether or not you achieve the future you want.

So you move in one direction on the segment, and sometimes you move in the other direction. You waver between Point A, birth, and Point B, death. It’s not a long segment, no—before you know it, you reach Point B, and time ceases to exist because you cease to exist.

What in the heck does that have to do with our futures? Our present is our future. Today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is today. Frankly, yesterday, today, and tomorrow should, I believe, be synonymous. “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” some say, and don’t spend today wishing that something had been done tomorrow. There’s no point. You’re simply wishing to move in different directions on the segment of time we call “life,” and you might be able to control, temporarily, where you’re headed, but in the end, we all arrive at Point B.

Here’s news for ya—we die.

Cue the applause, or shall I say, the gasps of horror.

Time ends. Think about that. Take one of those “moments” I mentioned at the beginning and really wrap your head around that. No, put heaven and hell, put the afterlife, and put enlightenment away in a box, lock it, and onto a shelf. Think about death. Isn’t that our ultimate destiny? Isn’t that the end of time? Isn’t that, in fact, the reason why these figments of time (the past, present, and future) are so important to us?

I have two major weaknesses in all this, however, and in fact, we all do. Memories and regret. They hold us back, they prevent us from heading towards Point B in an orderly and simple fashion, and they pull us, lure us, to want to move back towards A.

Some things are simple. I regret clearing out my mom’s computer on accident; deleting family photographs, video recordings, and files forever (psst, deleting memories!). Yet I also regret deeply not learning my lesson (per various events) when I should have, not letting go when appropriate, and clinging onto an ideal only worthy of the past. Yet if we keep wishing for something to have happened in the past, isn’t that wish already “known?” Isn’t that, in fact, already apart of our pasts, and can never be apart of our futures?

And memories. Darned memories. I remember how happy I felt the first time I felt any romantic love reciprocated, even in a small way. I remember how great it was to have my grandmother by my side. I remember how peaceful everything was when there was dialogue constantly running through the family. And above all, I remember innocence, the naïveté of childhood, and the simplicity of life before the age of ten.

So our futures are decided. We die. How we get there, it’s up to us. How we manage to avoid B and skew back towards A, it’s up to us. How we find a way to slow the progression from A to B with the countless facial creams, operations, and injections, it’s up to us. But we all have to get there someway, somehow.

Ever notice how humans have longer lifespans now than ever before? We’re stretching that segment of “time” that we all receive as far as it can possibly go—I say it’s not at its limit yet. We can stretch it further, and perhaps it’ll become the norm for our grandchildren to live until they are one hundred.

Perhaps we’ll be flying on shiny hovercraft instead of driving these clunky tons of metal, and maybe we’ll cure cancer, HIV, and find the magical plant to keep our youth. But human potential is a simple matter. It is to go from A to B. That’s why we can’t find this darned “potential.” We’re spending too much time looking at A and ignoring B.

Who knows? Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe God is, in fact, a dreamer and since time can be stretched in a dream, His dream has just been continuing for millennia. When that dream will end, and if that will ever end, I doubt we’ll ever know. Yet perhaps, just perhaps, that’s the real Point B. Only time can tell.

As we try desperately to look for our human potential, we lose half of that phrase—the humanity we hold all hold. But things cannot go both ways—we cannot head towards B while clinging onto A.

So I’ll die. You’ll die. We’ll reach B, the segments of time will cease to exist, and none of this will matter to anyone.

Happy days, oh what happy days ahead.

Mission accomplished! “I’m not 李大仁 or Nic, but be my...

Fri, 11 May 2012 18:36:00 -0700

Mission accomplished!

“I’m not 李大仁 or Nic, but be my 又青 to Prom?”

Yay for In Time With You (我可能不會愛你)!

Excited for Prom 2012! :D

P.S. This whole weight loss thing really is working… I swear ten pounds makes a difference in this picture.

Hope in Destiny

Thu, 10 May 2012 19:41:00 -0700

Hope? Hope is what fuels us. Hope is what pushes us to move forward.

Hope is what allows us to bear through the most difficult times, in those hopeless situations, we still hold out that sliver of hope to get us through.

We cling to hope, we hold on even when it seems like all hope is lost, we believe that things can get better. Hope really is a central facet to humanity—just as much as emotions and our consciousness are. And it is something that should never be taken away, never be ignored, never be passed off as unimportant, and is very much intertwined with the concept of destiny and free will.

It is hope that allows for both the existence of destiny and of free will, no matter how contradictory that may sound. We hope for a destiny that is good to us, that it will be something we can only wish (hope again!) for it to be. We hope that we can make the right choices, we hope that we will have a real choice—that we are in control. Hope drives destiny and free will to exist in parallel, but it also drives a stake through the central heart of both concepts.

But let’s deal with these two concepts for a moment. I don’t really have a problem with destiny, I really don’t. In my mind, free will and destiny can really coexist. What I have a bone to pick with, however, is the possible effect of my knowing of my destiny to the course that I “choose” to take in the future.

If I have a destiny, and I find out what my destiny is, does my destiny take into account the fact that I know my destiny? In other words, if I make a choice based upon my knowing of my destiny, does my destiny already reflect that? Or would my destiny change based upon my knowing of it, but wouldn’t that mean that destiny isn’t finite? Or if my destiny does take into account that I know of it, then that means that I, in fact, _needed_ to know my destiny in order to fulfill it.

Destiny, to me is simple. We are all destined to die. Isn’t that, in essence, what destiny is? Destiny is a predicted, in some cases, outcome of our lives. We die. That’s enough destiny for me.

To me, free will, or even the illusion of free will, is extremely important. Frankly, I don’t care whether or not I have a destiny, I don’t really care whether my free will is real or simply a notion of something we have—it’s important to me, however, that I can seemingly make choices that are in my control.

Now that may sound a bit contradictory again, I understand. I relish in the fact that my choices are my own, but at the same time, even if everything is predestined and my choice isn’t really a choice at all, I’m okay with it. So long as I feel like I’m in control, or I know that the choices I make are, in fact, predestined and there is a destiny (not in my sense of death but in the typical sense) I would feel certain and safe in my “choices.”

Destiny just might exist, but perhaps but destiny truly is is how we go about establishing that destiny—maybe it’s not that specific, that exclusive, and that we can build on throughout our lives to create, or at least alter slightly, our own destiny.

And now, I digress from everything that I just said. Destiny doesn’t exist. Complete free will doesn’t exist. Everything that I said from “but let’s deal with these two concepts” to the end of the previous paragraph is what we, or I, may only *hope* for them to be.

Destiny and free will are as real as physics, evolution, or religion is. It’s all man-made (or in the case of religion, man-developed) concepts and ideas that we use to occupy our overly capable conscious minds to find an explanation for our lives.

Hope drives destiny. Hope drives free will. These three will forever be intertwined. Without one, the other two may just truly cease to exist.

This? This is why I love this place so much, this is why I miss...

Wed, 09 May 2012 21:33:00 -0700

This? This is why I love this place so much, this is why I miss it so much, this is why every moment that I am here I wish that I’m roaming the streets there. I miss it beyond reason right now…

The last time I heard this entire song, I was in Taiwan. The last time I heard the entire thing, I was flying into TPE on Eva and crying my eyes out… I want to go back.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?...

Mon, 07 May 2012 21:49:00 -0700

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? — Cry / Kelly Clarkson

I swear I don't care anymore

Sun, 06 May 2012 19:55:00 -0700

The one thing I regret the most out of the last four years is having so many regrets. On the long, laundry list of things that I regret, however, the one thing that reigns supreme is trust. I believe(d) that trust is center and core to any strong friendship, but somehow I was proven wrong. Somehow, I’m left feeling that I trusted all the wrong people, and I confided in all the wrong friends. Trust is my key to stability—and stability is something that I have always craved since I was a child but never found it, and still have not found it, in it’s right form.

I wouldn’t give anything to go back and redo any of this, however, it’s just so not worth it. I’m glad that I’ve managed (per the words of a friend) to make some new friends this year and I know that although I might not have confided in them my troubles, spending time with these guys have made senior year significantly better. And I guess that’s the lesson I’ve learned. That trust might not be the key, and I need to be more careful.

I’ve tried so desperately hard these past few months to let go of friendships that were perhaps doomed from the start, and ensure that the ones that can endure will last. I hate how easily people can change, but I guess I’ve changed as well. I’m done bitching at those few friends who I feel like don’t participate in the give-and-take that I find fundamental to any friendship, and ready to end those friendships on a good note, right after I say a big f*** you to them.

More than ever, I’m ready to close this last chapter and forget what needs to be forgotten, and put away what deserves to be remembered. I’ve sworn to myself I’m not going to let any of the people here or any event of the past hinder my future, and I’m confident I’ll be going into Wesleyan as myself—complete and whole—and stop believing in naïve and impossible ideals.

There isn’t a moment I don’t wish there are words that I can take back, but I think I’ve managed to figure out a way to deal with them being out there and move on.

What They Don't Tell You About Grief

Sun, 06 May 2012 18:48:00 -0700

What They Don't Tell You About Grief:

From Thought Catalog

And all of these things, these experiences of grief, they don’t tell you about them. They don’t tell you that, at the end of the day, all you can think is that grief isn’t a wall that comes crashing down on you all at once like you expected. Instead, it’s a wall whose bricks fall (bit by bit, piece by piece) and bruise you and break you and beat you down, slowly.

And it takes a ridiculously long time to heal.

Approaching One Hundred

Sat, 05 May 2012 23:57:28 -0700

I’ve only met her in person three times in my life, and this was the fourth. I had just arrived home—well, home for the time being—from the airport. As everyone continued to go through their daily routines, I simply sat on the worn and weathered couch I recall looking the exact same ten years ago, trying to fight the desire to sleep and stay awake to avoid jet lag. There she sat, across from me, staring off into space. She was thin, emaciated almost, with the curvatures of each bone visible due to the slow breakdown of her muscle. Her skin was spotty and slightly discolored, and her hair a surprising grey—the elements of old age had failed to completely conquer her. Her teeth were perfect, the product of some unlucky dentist who had to go through the painful procedure to fit a set of fake teeth into the mouth of a ninety-year old woman. Everything about her seemed frail, from her slow yet graceful movements to her impossible attempts to stand up alone.

Her eyes, however, were different. Despite the aged and seemingly weathered skin surrounding her eyes, the eyes themselves seemed to be telling me a story. There was so much thought, innocence, desire, hope, fear, and sentimentality in her eyes. She was very much conscious alright, and although her physical self may be failing her, her eyes told me that she was fine, and still very much alive. The more I gazed into her eyes the more entranced I felt, the feeling that she was trying to tell me everything that the words she failed to produce couldn’t. It’s odd, this feeling is. I felt pain, I felt hurt, I felt sadness and I felt despair. I looked deeper trying to find some shed of happiness remaining, but it was nowhere to be found. She was strong, she is strong, and she will be strong. She doesn’t need anyone to help her, mentally that is.

She sits there, mumbling something I can’t understand, as it is not within my knowledge of Taiwanese or any other possible dialect. Someone translates; she’s talking about the similarities that I share with my dad and about what I was like as a kid. I’m absolutely amazed that she can remember all of this. How could she possibly remember I had an aunt on my father’s side when she could barely remember details of her own grandchildren, my mom, aunt, and uncles? Needless to say, I’m pretty baffled, and pleasantly surprised that she still recognizes who I am after an entire day. I feel like she understands someone by just looking at them, as if she can read me like a book by simply looking at my face.

I never want to be like this, yet I hope one day I will.

I found this in one of my folders on my computer, it’s something I wrote last summer when I was in Taiwan. The person in question is my great-grandmother, who is probably suffering from Alzheimer’s. I found that moment with her just so peaceful and complex, I decided to write about it. I wish I found out what her story was and is.

Music playlist, Spring 2012! (Updated)

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:27:12 -0700

English / Little Lies - Dave Barnes / Don’t Stop the Music - Jamie Cullum / Intoxicated - The Cab / Here’s to Us - Halestorm / Bad - The Cab / Safe & Sound - Taylor Swift / Keep Your Head Up - Andy Grammer / Nothing - The Script / Terrified - Katherine McPhee & Zachary Levi / Don’t Want an Ending - Sam Tsui / Heartbreaker - Matt Wertz / After Tonight - Justin Nozuka / Mine to Love - Dave Barnes / Pretty Girl - Ernie Halter / On a Night Like This - Dave Barnes / Hear My Call - Jill Scott / I’m Still Here - John Rzeznik / Who You Are - Jessie J / Glad You Came - The Wanted / Cry - Kelly Clarkson / Loaded Gun - Tyler Hilton / Flying Machine - Everly / You Can Run - Bryan Greenberg ft. Kid Cudi / Summer Dress - Xenia / The Harold Song - Ke$ha /

Chinese / 愛情掉在哪裡 - 井柏然 /懂我再愛我 - Ella ft. Tank / 不具名的悲傷 - 羅志祥 / 一個人不可能 - 丁噹 / 十年 - 陳奕迅 / 我不會喜歡你 - 陳柏霖 / 還是會 - 韋禮安 / 愛你 - Kimberley陳芳語 / 假裝我們沒愛過－汪東城 / 倉頡－ Mayday五月天 / 我愛上的 - 丁噹 / 我不是你想像那麼勇敢 - 梁文音 / 倔強 - 五月天 / 我喜歡 (不，我愛) - 嚴爵 / 有我在 - 羅志祥 /

Spanish & Korean / Creo en Ti - Reik / Te Dejo en Libertad - Ha-Ash / Sherlock - SHINee / When I Can’t Sing - Se7en / Blue - Big Bang / Time Machine - SNSD / Aquí Estoy Yo - Luis Fonsi, Aleks Syntek, Noel Schajris & David Bisbal / Más de 1000 Años - Aleks Syntek /

OH CRAP ITS YEARBOOK! Senior Panoramic tomorrow! :D And no,...

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:12:09 -0700

OH CRAP ITS YEARBOOK!

Senior Panoramic tomorrow! :D

And no, it’s not going into the yearbook for all y’all askin’.

This test that has been floating around

Tue, 01 May 2012 06:05:00 -0700

This test that has been floating around:

drpizza:

Why are those pictures so disturbing… looks like its a jumbled nightmare stored in a GIF. Also the first time it kept telling me I wasn’t following instructions. Then I picked A everytime and it shut up…

Uhm… the accuracy to this really scares me.

You feel misunderstood and this sense is causing anxiety and frustration, leading to a conflict with your sense of self-worth. Other people’s judgement is brought into question, because you feel that no one in your immediate sphere is completely reliable or completely understands you. Such feelings can lead to a pronounced egotism or temper.

An unsatisfying relationship is troubling you, due in all likelihood to a perceived lack of appreciation, or acknowledgement from superiors or loved ones. Questioning this judgement has lead to a modicum of introversion. You feel that you need assistance from others to repair the situation but are afraid that too much compromise will be seen as weakness. If this situation continues, you may feel the need to break away and redefine your own individuality.

The Color Run was so awesome! I’m so glad the weather...

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 17:26:00 -0700

The Color Run was so awesome! I’m so glad the weather turned out for the better and wasn’t ridiculously hot or cold, and I must say this is one of the highlights of senior year so far. My sideburns are still green, and I also have this green mustache and green nose… oh well. Had an awesome time with some awesome people today!

Forward, March.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:17:00 -0700

I’ve been having a lot of random moments recently when I’d suddenly remember some random memory, and pause and reflect on it—whether it is good or bad. I’ve come across a lot of random memories, and I’ve been remembering a lot of things I’ve tried really hard to forget, as well as things that I’ve completely forgotten.

It has really dawned on me that life is going to face some really drastic changes really soon. I realized that everything now, and from the last decade of my life, won’t matter as much or not matter at all in half a year. Every regret I’ve had, every mistake I’ve made, will finally slowly fade away, and the people I’ve known for years will slowly go into the background.

I’m trying pretty hard to cement the friendships I want to take with me through life, and trying to move on from anything that has been holding me back. A new life is beginning, and I’m not going to mess it up this time around.

I’m kind of sad that I didn’t take more pictures of...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 21:31:53 -0700

I’m kind of sad that I didn’t take more pictures of Wes’s beautiful campus when I was visiting, it’d be really nice to just go through some of them and picture myself there right now. Moving into Wes dorms and such as well as the beginning of classes is five long months away, and I just wish high school can be over already and fly out to CT.

I’m so excited, what I do like every other day at home now is read new things about Wesleyan, figure out which courses I might want to take next year (no GE’s!), and look over where I want to dorm. In class, I just daze off thinking about the future… I’m so done with high school.

To learn before college

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 22:34:00 -0700

How to:

To move on.
To not be so clingy.
To read people better.
To not trust so easily.
To not take things so seriously.
To not let other people control my feelings so easily.
To not let one person ruin things.
To stop being so immature with difficult things.
To appreciate what I have.
To accept myself for myself.
To adapt to changing times.
To adapt to changing people.
To confront things the way they are.
To stop pursuing something I know is going to be useless.
To stop missing people who don’t deserve it.
To not hold onto an impossible ideal.
To not worry every living moment.
To understand all different perspectives.
To forget.
To forgive.

On Death and the Afterlife

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:25:00 -0700

Put your right hand on your heart.

Ready?

Listen.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

From the day you are born to the day you die, your heart doesn’t stop beating. It keeps on pumping; it keeps on keeping on—keeping you alive. But think about it. For eight decades or so, it doesn’t get any rest. It never stops—it has to be strong enough to function for such a long period of time, and if it stops, even for a bit, chances are you’re gone.

Humans are cursed with the capacity to understand and appreciate death. When your heart stops, your body begins to shut down, and you lose your consciousness. The consciousness of your being, of your soul, of your life no longer exists in any shape or form in this world. But this is why life is so treasured, this is why we humans take such great measures to at least try and live a life “worth living,” all because we know the fate of all mankind is one and the same—we die.

When something is of limited supply to us, we want more and we make sure that we are more careful of that supply. If you see that your phone’s battery life is rapidly falling and may not last through the entire night, you’d take caution and not play Temple Run game after game. If you notice that gas prices are rising to ridiculous heights and money is tight, you’d leave your car in the garage and find another way. Life is the same—as we know there are a limited number of years we have, we treasure them and care for them more intensely than we would if we had an unlimited amount of years.

Life does gain meaning because it ends. Without death, life would lose its beauty because our time would be perpetual and lose emotion—it would lose the excitement, thrill, and anticipation we have in our lives. We know we have an expiration date, and that makes life all the better.

But there really is no point in fearing death. Life is like a one-time contract—when the term ends, there’s no renewal (unless you believe in rebirth as the Hindus and Buddhists do). I believe death is ultimate, and death is final. Death is the end, the absolute, unconditional, and complete conclusion of our lives. It’s difficult for me to believe anything about any sort of afterlife, because all the possibilities sound fairly dire to me.

A recent Time magazine’s cover story was titled “Rethinking Heaven,” discussing the possibility of us needing to rethink our conceived notions of heaven. Inside, however, it talked about not only the Christian heaven but also mentioned seven other heavens—that of the Buddhists, Tibetans, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Taoists, and Zoroastrians.

The Christian faith believes that if you make it to heaven, you will enjoy all of eternity in the skies. The Buddhist’s Purl Land or Western Paradise is a place to live in enlightenment, while Tibetan Buddhists see it in Mount Kailasa of the Himalayas. Hindus see the Vaikuntha where the god Vishnu resides, and while Muslims and Jews do not have in-depth discussions of heaven in their holy books they do mention a different realm similar to that of Christians.

Those are all scary thoughts to me. It’s not the fact that you can “live” (living in death?) happily in these forms of heaven, but the fact that it’s eternal. Isn’t that what makes life so treasured and beautiful? If we are to be rewarded with the “gift” of eternal happiness and well-being, won’t it destroy the beauty, the happiness, and well-being we find in life?

Having no end frightens me to no end. Having an end to anything and everything makes it all better—you might finish the burger, but you’ll appreciate it more in the process. Would you really be enjoying “living” in the afterlife if there were no end? Without an end, life loses all definition, loses its substance.

I don’t want to live forever, in this life or in the afterlife. I wrote a short story previously titled “Singularity” (here), talking about a human-controlled afterlife in computers. I hoped to express this very fear—that everything should still come to an end, and that life needs to have its conclusion.

So I don’t fear death. I appreciate death, and I will welcome death when the time comes. Granted, I’m fearful of having my life end anytime soon, only because there is so much more in store that I want to experience—I want to live first.