Alton Wang

"Juventud, divino tesoro, ¡ya te vas para no volver! Cuando quiero llorar, no lloro… y a veces..."

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:41:00 -0800

“Juventud, divino tesoro, ¡ya te vas para no volver! Cuando quiero llorar, no lloro… y a veces lloro sin querer. / Youth, divine treasure, leaves you never to return! When I want to cry, I don’t… and sometimes I cry without wanting to.”

- Canción de Otoño en Primavera / Rubén Darío

Conforming to conformity

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:17:00 -0800

The very existence of society represents the existence of conformity. Conformity is more than simply following rules or laws, perhaps even more than being in accordance to socially acceptable standards or customs. Conformity is, in a sense, synonymous with society, construction, development, evolution, and even the presence or absence of change. Conformity is the written word, the spoken tongue, and the quiet thoughts that run through our minds.

You can’t escape conformity completely.

We all have a moral obligation to resist injustice, even if doing so places one at risk.

That statement was so easy for me to say, so easy for me to type out. Perhaps I do strongly believe this to be true, perhaps I do think at the sight of injustice one must stand up and speak out. But two things hinder me from doing so. First, through our history classes, we have learned that to speak out on what is considered “unjust” is the right thing to do, in fact, the noble thing to do. Our Founding Fathers chose to do so, as well as the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, or even Winston Churchill. One may even argue the current Occupy movement fits within the likes of these great men, people who stood up against something that was “wrong,” and tried to make things “right.”

But what is right, and what is wrong? In fact, more than just that, what does right mean and what does wrong mean? What if what is right is actually wrong and what is wrong is, consequently, right? Who decides what is unjust, or even how to stand up to the injustice?

Society does. Conformity does. If the Founding Fathers didn’t have thousands of revolutionaries banding behind them, wouldn’t the British have crushed them, executed them, and sent them into the dark depths of history? And if millions of blacks across the country were too afraid to voice their views and failed to show support for MLK, would the 60s have ended on a different note? Had Indians not already desired independence, would Gandhi still have starved himself for days in an act of defiance? We characterize history to be millions backing one man (or a group of men), when we should be considerate of the millions backing them. Simply put, they are nothing more than faces, figureheads, and symbols of change.

So yes. I guess one can say we have a “moral obligation” to resist “injustice,” even if doing so places one at “risk.” But society decides what is moral and what is immoral, society decides what is just and unjust, and society decides how alienated the dissenter will be.

I would argue that my beliefs are not my own, but the product of society, thus the product of conformity. I can say what I believe in, and there will surely be someone who agrees with me. In fact, there are probably a million others who do so as well. So am I really standing out, am I really on the “just” side?

Take California’s Proposition 8. More than thirteen million people voted on this measure, resulting in a seven million yes votes and six and a half million no votes. Who am I to argue against the seven million people who voted yes? How can I be possibly be on the “just” side if there are roughly the same number of people on the opposite side? I can try to resist “injustice” as much as I want, but whether or not what I’m resisting is “unjust” or not is wholly up for debate.

No, you say. There must be current issues where there is a side which is going to be strictly “just” and another side which is strictly “unjust.” Last time I checked, however there is still an estimated 250 million children working (aged between 5 and 14) worldwide. Oh yes, I must be a horrible person. Child labor is simply, obviously unjust, and there isn’t a single thing I can say in support of child labor. Clearly you didn’t read the number correctly. It’s two hundred and fifty million children. No? Those children, you say, are being forced to work, are being exploited, and are not willingly entering the work force.

Obviously you don’t know that even in the US, children as young as 12 can legally work in the fields in the agricultural industry, or that in Asia, 22% of the workforce is made up of children, and a more shocking 32% in Africa. I can go on in defense of child labor. Before the Industrial Revolution, basically all children worked the fields alongside their families. At the height of the Industrial Revolution, they flocked into the cities to find jobs (typically with unreasonable pay).

Justice can be easily blurred, depending on the society one belongs to, on what form of conformity one has aligned themselves to.

At this time of our lives, when we are maturing and learning, taking in all that the world has to offer, I’ve noticed that some of us mature significantly quicker than others do. Sometimes we’re forced to—whether it be because of a traumatic event marking our lives, or any significant upheaval in the way we live, or lived, our lives. Because I don’t want to digress too far, I’ll simply say that I have had a couple such experiences in my life. Sometimes when I look back to my childhood, I laugh to myself at my innocence, the naïveté that characterizes our youth. Sometimes it hurts. It’s that feeling of “If youth knew” stabbing at my heart (Etienne). The prevailing feeling that I’ve been having more often now, however, is a desire to regress back into that naïveté, that unassuming simplicity which once exemplified my life. What joy it was to not understand, and what pain it is to understand.

I’d rather live that lie.

And it’s that feeling of standing on the wrong side of the line (at least, the side that I would prefer not to be in) that really causes me to think and ponder on many of the minuscule aspects of life. I know that I am one who pays very close attention to my surroundings—how people interact and why they interact they way they do have always intrigued me. If I were to be lined up with the billions of people who inhabit this planet in a race, I would be the one who fails to hear the blast of the gun to begin the race because I’d be wondering what the motivations of different people are, how they’ll do, or even why they’ll do as well as they do.

But I’m always left with countless unanswered questions—and they all boil down to one simple one: How is it that I exist?

No, I’m not asking why I exist—although I’d love to find an answer to that—what interests me more is how I’ve come to be who I am, how the person I am today exists. In fact, it’s more than just me, but also my friends, family, community, and society.

And I’ve think I’ve slowly begun to form a conclusion. And that answer is conformity.

Frankly, I think conformity has an unfortunate negative connotation to it. I don’t think conformity is bad—no, conformity tends to bring happiness. The absence of that conformity tends to bring about trouble and difficulty. Thus I’d argue that many things that compose this world of ours are the product of conformity—even if there are contradictory sides to any one issue. It is these common ideals and values that are shared amongst the millions that characterize this world, and with the onslaught of globalization and the homogenization of the cultures and peoples of this planet, these very ideals and values are becoming increasingly unified—the product of further conformity, typically leaning towards the ideals and values of the greater majority.

You claim that you don’t conform? Conformity doesn’t only take place when there are differing opinions or you think you might believe in what the majority opposes, but it is entrenched deep into the basic building blocks of our lives and society. Language is, as I believe, king and key to conformity—I’ve previously said in posts from last semester that to understand a culture is to be able to understand its language, and in turn, understand what the members of the culture conform to. The simple usage of language is conformity in of itself, as well as following rules, laws, or any other guidelines set by people for the “greater good.” To survive in this society, one must prescribe to the basic principles of conformity.

I am the product of conformity, as are you.

Like water

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:59:00 -0800

From my 25 page masters thesis for my senior English class, section ten (slight edits):

I once wrote the following:

“I can still feel the tears running down my face the day my parents told me the news and the day of my grandma’s funeral. It burns, and it leaves me so thirsty. Not necessarily for water, but to fill that gaping hole which I felt had formed in my heart.”

In Like Water by Elizabeth Spires, I was shocked to read the following lines:

You paused,
drawing in a breath. “It’s like a thirst that deepens
as each day passes. Like water,” you finally said.
“I want him back the way I want a drink of water.”

It’s a thirst that can never be quenched.

Of all the pages I have written thus far, this section is by far the most difficult. I have considered taking it out, I have considered re-writing it, and I have considered combining it with another section.

But this quote I think deserves to stand alone:

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost” (Chesterton).

It isn’t until it’s lost, however, that we realize that it could be lost.

It’s not until we’re standing alone, and feeling lonely, that we are able to recall all that had gone wrong, the mistakes we’ve made, or just how much we needed he or she who was lost. It is then, and only then, until we are able to appreciate anything and everything that the person brought into our lives, whether it is a lover, a friend, or even a grandmother.

And this feeling is the worst in the world. I feel hopeless, even though I know my happiness is in my own control, and I feel increasingly insecure. And what is this I feel? Alone, perhaps? But “alone,” alone is when you’re alone in an empty room, and lonely is when you’re in a crowded room, yet you feel alone. Alone is just an exclamation mark on a blank page, while lonely is an exclamation mark on a page filled with commas.

I’m that exclamation mark.

But I know as life progresses, I will only get thirstier, and nothing that I try to do will be able to quench this thirst.

You can’t love until you’ve lost.

Bucket List

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:56:00 -0800

-Try authentic Spanish Paella
-Try different meats, such as rabbit or frog
-Eat deep-dish pizza in Chicago and thin crust pizza in New York
-Attempt to try the foul-smelling durian fruit
-Have a cup of civet coffee
-Learn to make beef wellington, and eat it
-Try an authentic dish from as many cultures around the world
-Learn to bake, make ice cream, and cook creatively
-Learn how to dance
-Master (or at least be able to communicate) in Japanese
-And German
-And French
-And Korean
-And Italian
-And Taiwanese (get better at it)
-Speak French in Paris, ish in Madrid, German in Berlin, Korean in Seoul, Italian in Venice,
Japanese in Tokyo, Chinese in Beijing, and Taiwanese in Taipei.
-Skydive
-Ride a horse without freaking out
-Be able to forgive
-Try skiing or snowboarding
-Go to a legit white water rafting, not level one
-Run a marathon
-Self-teach myself coding
-Be published/write a book

-Build a house
-Ride a motorcycle
-Drive on the Autobahn
-Visit the night markets of Asia
-See the Burj Khalifa soar above me
-Wander in the streets of Barcelona
-Visit the house with the blue door on Notting Hill
-Nap on a beach in the Maldives
-Tour the ruins of Chichén Itzá, Macchu Picchu, and the Pyramids of Egypt
-Get a Disneyland annual pass for many years in a row
-Be paid to eat
-Run for office
-Work on a campaign (congressional, presidential, anything)
-Become comfortable with who I am
-Accept that what I haven’t accepted
-Forget that which is unimportant
-Attend at least one service for various religious faiths
-Attempt to understand human nature
-Worry about something worthwhile
-Not worry about anything
-Understand sports
-Make a stable, life-long friend
-Don’t disappoint those I love
-Read one book a week for a year
-Take a picture next to every “Welcome to _______” sign in the U.S.
-Visit the northernmost point in the world, as well as the southernmost
-Get lost in an unfamiliar city
-Hop onto a flight spontaneously and go somewhere
-Have someone say I was a major influence in his or her life
-Drive from Alaska to Argentina
-Donate not my money, but time to a charity
-Eradicate the world of bad design
-Buy Apple and Google stocks
-Live in Taipei City
-Watch my favorite movies in theaters again (Titanic is almost back!)
-Tell the truth to those who I’ve lied to
-Stop lying
-Become friends with a celebrity
-Create a web product/website that garners millions of hits daily
-Swim in the Great Barrier Reef
-See Victoria Falls
-Attend a movie premiere
-Speak and have people want to hear me talk
-Fly in a private jet/plane
-Be a judge on Food Network’s Iron Chef America
-Take a risk that I wouldn’t do normally
-See without glasses or contacts
-Have a Joey/Chandler friendship

Address Is Approximate by Theory Films (source) Absolutely one...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:30:00 -0800

Address Is Approximate by Theory Films (source)

Absolutely one of my favorite short films ever, especially because it’s such intricate stop-motion.

I Won’t Give Up / Jason Mraz

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 11:53:00 -0800

I Won’t Give Up / Jason Mraz

On words and language

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:18:00 -0800

Words typically represent much more than we first face them to be. They don’t have one set meaning, but they represent a feeling, an emotion. Every person has a different feeling or emotion for different words. Words with similar dictionary definitions take on different meanings. Justice and fairness—now there’s a pair that we seem to constantly pair up. Justice is to be fair and to have fairness is to have justice. Those two words, however, represent different emotions and different feelings for, of course, different people.

Both of these feelings (of “justice” and “fairness”), however, have been subjected the nightmare all living languages must bear, which is to throw those feelings in a certain set amount of letters (in languages that use the Latin alphabet, anyway) with a certain spelling, a certain way of pronouncing it, and a certain way to write it down, and we end up with a word.

It’s not really just a word, however.

It’s a box.

Like our choices and judgments, these “words” (feelings and emotions) outgrow their boxes after time. Take “love.” The complexity of this emotion (literally) manifests itself in word form, with some languages having many different ways to express this feeling.

What fairness meant to us as children probably doesn’t mean the same thing as it does for us today—nor do any of the other words. As our morals and beliefs, our choices and judgments, our character and personality grow and expand, as those aspects of our lives tear down the walls of their box and expand to form new walls, these words do as well.

I felt like spending time to understand words themselves is very important, and not just the fact that the meaning may change for us, but especially that different people may believe these words to mean different things. They aren’t defined differently, but they take on a different emotion and a different feeling.

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship,..."

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:09:00 -0800

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, giver orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

- Robert Heinlein

OH MY GOD SOMEONE UPLOADED THE AID SUMMER VIDEO (in four parts)...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:38:00 -0800

OH MY GOD SOMEONE UPLOADED THE AID SUMMER VIDEO (in four parts) ONTO YOUTUBE.

14m 40s until around 16m 40s, 清水國小! I miss this so much right now, it feels like a lifetime ago. All these people, my students, partners in crime (B1-6!), my counselor (Mommy!), the principal, administration, our host family—everyone. I miss every single person. And what sucks the most is that I won’t be able to go and visit this year, so it’ll be two years after the fact that I get to go back to Changhua and visit. I hope my students still remember me! :(

A time when I didn’t have to worry about anything going on at home, basically leaving the life I have here behind and taking on a “new” one. New friendships, new bonds, new learning experiences, new everything. Looking back, I seem like a completely different person there versus here.

Watching this is totally making me cry right now. This feeling nostalgia and longing is hitting hard.

The happiest days of my life, by far.

I don't believe in closure.

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:49:00 -0800

Only that we learn to deal with the pain and troubles, and we are able to integrate them into our daily lives. I think it gets to a point where even though it’s still there, you come to terms with yourself in the sense that if you continue to over-dwell on it, it won’t do you any good. So you accept whatever the situation is as it is, and even though it still bothers the heck out of you, you try to press on with life. Feelings don’t go away—they might evolve and re-shape itself, but it’s still there. The hurt from years ago? It’s still there. It won’t ever disappear, no matter how badly I wish it to. Accepting the situation and moving on isn’t really closure to me—closure is when the source of the problem is resolved the best way possible. But that doesn’t happen often.

New year, new playlist.

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:15:00 -0800

English

The Winner Takes It All - Meryl Streep (Mamma Mia version) / I Won’t Give Up - Jason Mraz / Miss Me - Andy Grammer / Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer / Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw / The Broken Ones - Dia Frampton / Up - James Morrison & Jessie J / Gravity - John Mayer / Fire - Augustana / You’re the Reason (Acoustic Ver.) - Victoria Justice / Love - Matt White / Slice - Five For Fighting / The Blower’s Daughter - Damien Rice / Falling in Love With My Best Friend - Matt White / Half of My Heart - John Mayer & Taylor Swift / Bear - The Antlers / King of Anything - Sara Bareilles / What Are Words - Chris Medina / We Are Young (Acoustic) - Fun. / You and Me - Olivia Ong

Chinese

學不會 - 林俊傑 / 世界末末日 - 周杰倫 / 逞強 - Elva / 星空 - 五月天 / 我很忙 - A-Lin / 你好嗎 - 周杰倫 / 愛我的每個人 - Selina / 喜歡寂寞 - Sodagreen

Portugese, Spanish, Korean

Ai Se Eu Te Pego - Michel Teló / It Hurts - 2NE1 / Lonely - 2NE1 / Tu Mi Poesía - Jesse y Joy / Me Voy - Jesse y Joy / Manos Al Aire - Nelly Furtado / Ayer - Enrique Iglesias / Gritar - Luis Fonsi

Bolded are my current favorites.

Go read these.

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 18:10:00 -0800

Go read these.:

My favorite,

31. Today, my 12-year-old son, Sean, and I stopped by the nursing home together for the first time in several months. Usually I come alone see my mother who’s suffering from Alzheimer’s. When we walked into the lobby, the nurse said, “Hi, Sean!” and then buzzed us in. “How does she know your name?” I asked. “Oh, I swing by here on my walk home from school all the time to say hi to Grandma,” Sean said. I had no idea.

A close second is

55. Today, my mother passed away after a long battle with cancer. My best friend lives 2000 miles away and called to comfort me. While on the phone, he asked, “What would you do if I showed up at your house and gave you the biggest hug in the world?” “I would surely smile,” I replied. And then he rang my doorbell.

I’m going to shut up and stop complaining now.

Thanks for showing me this @jennjennifer… I needed a bunch of tissues to get through it.

< /close > < grow >

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 19:56:00 -0800

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

This is my favorite quote, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It’s short and to the point, and quite beautiful even when taken literally, but if one puts thought into it, it can go pretty deep. When I found this quote earlier this year, I already felt connected to it. But as the year progressed, parts of quote began to take on a, shall we say, different role in my understanding of it.

Dark enough—what’s dark enough? There are times in our lives when we think that things cannot possibly get any worse, but lo and behold, they always seem to. And at each threshold of pain and suffering, I always think that one, things can’t get any worse, and two, that I’ve learned a lot from the experience, even matured, if I may say so myself. But every consequent threshold I reach, I look back at the past and realize how ridiculous my thinking was, how irrational or childish they were, how un-encompassing my once extremely contemplative beliefs are now in the light of new events.

So how far down the road do I have to go? I’ve seen some stars already, figuratively speaking, but when will I reach those stars that Emerson so gracefully and simply refers to?

Perhaps those stars are a culmination of all that I have learned and will learn in life, and that I won’t find it until the day I die, or perhaps once I really reach the lowest point in my life, I will understand and realize that at that moment, I can really see the stars.

It’s no secret that there are obstacles in life, and it’s also no secret that there are going to be a ton of them ahead.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood / And sorry I could not travel both

But this road in front of me just keeps diverging, and I don’t know which path to take.

It is said that we learn from our mistakes, but what if that’s just the result from taking the road less traveled? The two roads, what if one is one path is right and the other is wrong—it does make all the difference, doesn’t it? What if I have to travel down that path, the road less traveled, for it to be dark enough? Because if I take the more worn path, would I not be able to ever see the stars?

I’d rather live a life of understanding. Pain and difficulty—I’ve had a share, but I’d be willing to accept more if it can help me understand. Among the things I feel compelled to understand are people (what they think and believe), death, consciousness, and interactions (people and people).

So, what exactly are the stars? If the stars are are four points I mentioned above, I’d gladly let my world grow “darker.” But those stars are pretty high up, aren’t they? Like real stars, they are far away, typically (aside from our sun) unreachable in one life time. Light-years, it takes. So perhaps, I’m destined from the birth to never understand. Those stars might always be out of reach, but if the Buddhists are right, I’ll have many more lives to reach it.

Everything does connect to each other, doesn’t it? The “stars,” understanding, enlightenment, it’s basically the same thing. Suffering, the “dark,” pain, misfortune, how are they different? Different ways to look at the same things, I say. Such is life, such is humanity. So many different possibilities for the exact same concept.

Emerson’s quote then applies in a much broader sense now, I think. In a sense, it’s that we learn (stars) from every mistake (dark). It’s the suffering and the enlightenment (read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse). It’s the problems in life and its solutions, it’s the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I’ve accepted everything in my life, even all the problems that have come along with it. The feelings will never go away, the pain and the confusion will always be there with me. But at least, I hope, I learned something from it. I hope all the things I’ve ever cried over or stumbled over in my life has given me something beneficial. A friend recently reminded me that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” which I have, over the years, come to slowly lose faith in as sometimes the “what” might as well “kill” just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. But now, near the end of this post, I realize the immense truth in that.

So the things in this past year that have not gone the way that I had hoped is, in fact, already in the past. I’m going to try to stop dwelling on the past and learn to simply move forward. I’ve learned from 2011, more than any other year. I’ve learned that there is a time to be strong, and a time to breakdown. There’s a time to stand your ground, and there’s a time to forgive and forget. But above all, there are certain events in our lives that are exactly as we imagined them to be, but there are also things that just don’t run parallel (or even intersect nicely) with our own lives. And to those things (and people) I bid adieu.

Perhaps its the right time to begin letting go, including the people around me and the friends I love. Just to think that in a year, I won’t see some of these faces anymore or only sporadically scares me a bit, maybe I should begin to prepare for that now so I can handle it better later.

It’s time for me to close and put away the bad that has taken place in 2011, take the good, and move on into the new year.

As of now, 2012 looks promising. It looks to be a year for fresh starts and new beginnings, which I welcome with open arms.

Forward march.

I had originally written a completely different post for the turn of the new year titled < /twentyeleven > < twentytwelve > (which can still be found here), but it felt inadequate, too focused on what I did and not enough on how I’ve grown and changed. Hence for this post. Happy New Year to all.

世界未末日 Not The End Of The World / 周杰倫 Jay Chou 就算是世界要崩潰...

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:28:00 -0800

世界未末日 Not The End Of The World / 周杰倫 Jay Chou

就算是世界要崩潰親愛的我也絕不會落淚不放棄愛過的那種感覺珍惜著有你記憶的一切就算是世界要傾斜親愛的我也絕不說離別儘管末日威脅再強烈有愛就不累

當世界要毀滅，你要如何珍惜最後幾秒？

在最後那時刻。。。回想起我嗎？

< /twentyeleven > < twentytwelve >

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 18:45:00 -0800

2011 has probably been both the best year of my life and the worst.

I spent the most incredible summer I could have ever imagined with some great people, new people that I can now proudly call my friends. These guys really showed me that the world is much greater than what I’ve experienced here in Arcadia, and that there are better people out there in the world. Thanks to them, I guess there is no reason to lose faith in people—I just can’t give up.

Who’d have thought that despite this being senior year, I’d still meet new people or even meet “old” people again. I think one of my best moves was joining yearbook—I’ve never actually been apart of something so concrete before, and the people I’ve been working with have been, for the most part, incredible. The new friends I’ve made and old friendships which have made a comeback due to this book leaves me speechless. There were other groups I had wished to join, but I’ve come to terms with myself. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so why bother dwelling on it?

I think that I can safely say it is both the people I’ve met and grown closer to this year that have made this year so great, but at the same time it’s been friendships that have weakened or I’ve lost that has made some parts of 2011 so difficult. However I think I’ve finally thought it all through. Everyone has their own life under (some sort) of control. And if I just don’t fit into their puzzle at the moment, I think I’ll be fine with it. I guess for some friends I tried to hard to fit the wrong piece of the puzzle into the wrong spot, and that’s my mistake.

I’ve let other’s choices control my emotions and direction for way too long. I think it’s time I hold onto the reins of my own life again.

To the people who’ve stood by me this year, I think Selina Jen says it best

謝謝你們愛我的每個人在我的人生最像一場惡夢的旅程陪我掙脫勇敢地去醒來當我的護衛為我禱告心靈更強韌謝謝你們愛我的每個人讓我努力後可以謝謝自己很坦誠會想不通或絕望到躲開但你們做的總讓我想堅強負責任為了愛重生

But hey—the year’s over. I guess there’s no reason to spend time worrying about the past, especially when there’s such an adventure ahead of me. I think I’ve said way too many times that I’m ridiculously excited to leave Arcadia and venture out into something which is relatively unknown to me. At this point, it’s impossible to say where I’ll end up in the coming months, and where I’ll be flying back home from next winter break (I’m crossing my fingers that it’ll be D.C.). But no matter where I end up, I hope that it can be at least as equally amazing as the experience I had in Taiwan. Sure, I’m excited for new surroundings, new weather, new daily routines, but I definitely am the most excited for the new people I’m going to meet, the new friends I’m going to make.

I regret so many things, I feel so bad for so many mistakes I’ve made, and I sometimes hate myself for not thinking things through earlier. But I’m really counting on for this path to end in June, and a new one to spring up. It’s a fresh start, a new beginning, and hell, I’m not going to waste any time worrying or carefully making every choice. It’s time to change things up.

To the future, Augustana’s Boston

I think I’ll go to Boston / I think I’ll start a new life, I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name / I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather // Oh yeah and I think I’ll go to Boston, I think that I’m just tired / I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind / I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset / I hear it’s nice in the summer, some snow would be nice /

This year could have totally gone better—but it only leaves room for a better year next year! And btw, I thought my title was really clever. And as of right now, looking into the next year, it seems like it’s going to be pretty damn great, and things are really looking up.

I’m writing this on Christmas, so it’s probably time to go eat lots!

Cheers.

You’re The Reason / Victoria Justice You might be crazy...

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:03:00 -0800

You’re The Reason / Victoria Justice

You might be crazy / Have I told you lately that I love you? / You’re the only reason that I’m not afraid to fly / And it’s crazy that someone could change me / Now no matter what it is I have to do / I’m not afraid to try / And you need to know that you’re the reason why.

ninety

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:48:00 -0800

I wrote this for a English (SFHP) project. Thought it would be worth sharing. It’s called “ninety.” Hopefully, it’s worth reading.

zero

Literature always seems to be analyzed to death. Perhaps, Professor, Fitzgerald simply felt like white would be a good color for Daisy to wear. However, my friends, it’s not just literature that is overanalyzed. It seems as if we humans are unable to stop and just simply accept something as it is—there’s always a deeper meaning, there’s always an undiscovered message, and there’s always a hidden reason. Thus nothing that is or will be on this planet can escape humans’ innate curiosity, not even the most rudimentary and fundamental parts of our lives, including sleep.

That’s right, scientists have been able to analyze sleep and break it down for us, because every just must know how sleep works, it is simply essential to living. But they have, and thus our sleep is broken down into cycles, with each cycle composed of five stages. We begin with theta sleep, and as time passes we progress into a stage with sleep spindles, then deep delta sleep, back to the sleep spindles, and into REM sleep. Five stages, forming one ninety-minute cycle.

But I could care less about my theta brain waves or even the possible occurrence of sleep walking with the presence of delta waves—no, none of that matters. What’s important to me is the rapid eye movement, or REM, stage. Why does this stand out, you may ask? Well, studies have been done which show that the REM stage is closely linked to our memories and even our ability to store memories.

Well Freud, I guess our subconscious does, in a sense, exist.

And here, we dream.

Dream on.

one

My eyes felt heavy, and they closed involuntarily.

I look down, and I see five problems typed neatly on a crisp sheet of white paper. With my pen, I scribble down my name, and I read the five problems.

P(You will get this problem correct)

P(You will get this problem wrong)

P(You will get an A on this test)

P(You will get an A in this class)

P(You will get a zero on this test)

Above these five questions, there is a set of data.

But who needs the data? I can answer these by myself, easy.

P(You will get this problem correct) = 1.0

P(You will get this problem wrong) = 0

P(You will get an A on this test) = 1.0

P(You will get an A in this class) = 1.0

P(You will get a zero on this test) = 0

And I turned it in.

The teacher looked at me funny, bewildered almost, that I was already done. I insisted to turn my test in, and once he placed my test into his folder, I promptly returned to my seat with a smile on my face and began to listen to music.

I felt good. I mean, how can I possibly fail?

It’s not like I studied or anything.

I got a zero.

two

I’m afraid to open my eyes.

There must someone down there to catch me.

I feel the wind pushing against me, as if it were trying to cushion or break the fall. But it’s too weak. I feel the sun’s warm rays pulling me back up, but that too, isn’t strong enough to stop me

They said that it was impossible for anyone to survive a fall like this, and I felt the need to prove them wrong. I mean, I’ve lived through everything imaginable—a collision with a truck, lightning, and any natural disaster you can think of.

But please, I can do anything. I am capable of anything I want and set my mind to.

But wait. Something feels off. I’m just falling. How can I be sure that there is someone down there to break my fall?

Wait.

What if those experiences were not real? And I can’t survive everything?

There has to be someone down there

to catch me—right?

I feel like I’m

falling

faster.

And
even
faster.

I’m afraid
to open
my eyes.

I finally open
my eyes to

the hood of a car and was treated to the lifeless scream of a bystander.

three

The first thing I see is a huge expanse of glass. On my side of the glass, it feels cold, dark, and damp, while I feel warmth and heat emanating from the opposite side. I look inside and realize that I’m looking into a storefront, I can make out a few tables and chairs and the all-too familiar bar with a cashier and a huge espresso machine. It’s as if I’m in a battle with my vision, as some things clear up other things fade away. I can now also see figures—I think I know these people. I think I know them very well.

I’m freezing out here, but those people look so warm. I still can’t make out their faces, but their presence makes me feel so at ease, so… familiar. Although I can’t seem to grasp as to why, but I know I would very much like to join them. They seem happy—maybe I can be happy with them.

All I can see, however, is the expanse of glass that is the storefront, but not a way in. There is no door; there is no opening for me to go though. I’m stuck out here, it seems. I’m stuck in my solidarity and my thoughts, my painful thoughts.

I know.

I know who they are now.

They look familiar because they are familiar, more than familiar. Everyone I have ever loved is behind that glass in the warmth, enjoying each other’s presence.

But how can they possibly have such a good time without me? For I am the missing link, I know it. Those two on the right would have never met without me, and that group of three on the left doesn’t talk without me. I look up to the skies, and I see snow. I don’t remember ever seeing snow fall before in my life, yet this feels so real. It’s getting colder. I swear, any moment now they’re going to realize that I’m missing, and that they need me. Maybe—

Oh. Wait.

They don’t need me—they don’t want me.

I get it.

I guess I must have done something wrong to deserve to stand outside in the cold, alone and miserable. The fact that they don’t even sense my presence, or even my lack of presence with them, hurts the most. I remember this feeling.

But what am I doing wrong?

I’m paralyzed. I can’t move anything, not even my eyes. I’m in this horrid fixed position, forced to witness my worst nightmare, which is just this one, simple, scene.

I’m alone.

four

She didn’t say anything to me, but I can swear that she was standing in her favorite spot in the kitchen, cooking away.

“Grandma, I miss you,” I managed to utter.

She looked at me lovingly with those understanding eyes, nodded and only smiled.

“Why did you have to leave? I still needed you to guide me, and you left.”

The response was the same—a couple nods, and that smile. That comforting smile, the smile I haven’t seen in years. She looked exactly like a photograph I just saw a couple days ago, before the cancer hit. The lines were there, but she wasn’t frail or thin. She looked like the grandma I remember, strong, headfast, and full of energy.

I began to break down into tears. I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing—is she really standing there? I was paralyzed, afraid to move. Afraid to do anything that might, even in the slightest, alter that moment. Sentimentality and longing struck me the hardest that they possibly can and ever will.

“You don’t know what I’ve been though, you don’t know how much you’ve missed out on, and you don’t know how much I hate myself, how much I hate my life.” Sobs made their way after every other word, with my tears hitting the floor providing a rhythm of sorts.

For the third time, she turns to me, nods a couple times, and smiles. This time, however, was different. Her eyes were different. They didn’t look alive and alert, but tired and weary. Her gaze was unwavering, but I understood what she meant.

She knows.

She knows everything.

“Then… why? Why did… why?” It seemed as if I could only muster up that one word, but I knew I didn’t need to say much.

Her expression changed again. She didn’t have to say anything, as words are completely unnecessary for her now, but I understood what she wanted to say.

Something’s wrong with me.

five

I have this sudden de-ja-vu feeling. Here I am again, looking down at a crisp sheet of white paper. But this time, this is all I see:

0100011001101111011100100010000001100001001000000110110101101111011011010110010101101110011101000010110000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000001110100011000010110101101100101001000000110000100100000011100110111010001100101011100000010000001100010011000010110001101101011001000000110011001110010011011110110110100100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001101100011010010110011001100101001011000010000001100001011011100110010000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000001110100011010000110100101101110011010110010111000100000010101000110100001101001011011100110101100100000011000010110001001101111011101010111010000100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001100011011010000110000101110010011000010110001101110100011001010111001000100000011000010110111001100100001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110000011001010111001001110011011011110110111000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101110010011001010010111000100000010010010111010000100111011100110010000001101110011011110111010000100000011001110110111101101001011011100110011100100000011101000110111100100000011000100110010100100000011011110111010001101000011001010111001000100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101001001110111001100100000011001100110000101110101011011000111010001110011001000000110010101110110011001010111001001111001001000000111010001101001011011010110010100101100001000000110001001110101011101000010000001101001011001100010000001111001011011110111010100100000011000110110111101101110011101000110100101101110011101010110010100100000011101000110100001101001011011100110101101101001011011100110011100100000011101000110100001100001011101000010000001111001011011110111010101110010001000000110000101110010011100100110111101100111011000010110111001100011011001010010000001110111011010010110110001101100001000000111000001110101011101000010000001111001011011110111010100100000011101000110111100100000011001100110000101110101011011000111010000101110001000000101100101101111011101010010011101101100011011000010000001110011011001010110010100100000011011110110111001100101001000000110010001100001011110010010000001110100011010000110000101110100001000000111000001110010011010010110010001100101001000000111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010010000001101001011100110110111000100111011101000010000001100001011011000110110000100000011101000110100001100001011101000010000001101001011011010111000001101111011100100111010001100001011011100111010000101110

I have no idea what this means.

I suddenly remembered getting that zero, falling, standing in the cold alone, and my grandmother. Everything linked together in an instant. The message cleared up for me, and at last, I understood.

This is what my grandma meant. I could hear her voice in saying, “For a moment, just take a step back from your life, and just think. Think about your character and the person you are. It’s not going to be the error of others every time, but if you continue thinking that your arrogance will put you to fault. You’ll see one day that pride really isn’t all that important.”

And I finally woke up.

by Alton Wang

Blink.

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:20:00 -0800

It’s quick isn’t it? Death, I mean. Just a blink of an eye, and you’re gone.

Well, it’s not really your fault.
No one would have suspected your husband to come home drunk wielding a knife. But your angel is alive, currently sleeping in her crib with your parents, and unharmed thanks to you. The blood flowing from your neck was enough, I believe, to stop him.
One blink, and you see me.

I’m not sure why people dread this moment, because if it’s actually your time and the paramedics are unable to revive you, I give you a choice.
I ask, “Do you want to go back, or do you want to continue on?”
No one ever chooses to go back.
You didn’t either.
The lines across your face gave it away—you were tired.
“Why?” You sounded like a first-grader.
“Honey, everyone’s got to die some day.”
“No, I meant why did Brian break up with me in college? And why did my friends desert me when I needed them the most that one year? Why did I have to spend so many birthdays alone? And why did I marry John?” Your face looked so lost, as if everything from the last forty years began to replay in your mind.
I smiled. You’ve always been an inquisitive one.

“Why does any of that matter anymore? Or better yet, did that really, truly matter at all?”
You looked even more confused.
“Don’t think about it. You spent your entire life thinking about it, every single second worrying over something, big or small, with thought after thought flowing through that mind of yours one after another—stop.”
With your brows wrinkled and eyes directed straight at me, as if you expected any more, you started that nasty habit again, and began to think. Confusion clouded your face, and I sensed pain.
But the confusion dissipated almost as quickly as you had died. You looked at me and smiled.

“So what now?” I felt what you call happiness radiating from that question.
“Oh, in just a bit, you’ll be born again. Your previous life wasn’t exactly perfect, you see, and until perfection you will be reincarnated.”
Your face fell. “Perfection?”
“You will understand when the time comes. In the meantime—” You cut me off before I could finish.
“So you mean that I have to go back?” Disappointment filled the air.
“In a sense, you’re not going back. There is no ‘back.’ You may be returning to the same realm and world, but not to the same life. You will start anew.”
There was no more pondering or thinking and you said no more, but only gave me a smile.
And with a nod of acknowledgement, you vanished, as quickly as you died.
No matter, I’ll be seeing you again.

I just need to blink.

by Alton Wang / I wrote this for English, for an assignment where we had to write creatively with inspiration from something we covered in class, and I drew my inspiration from Siddhartha by Herman Hesse.

bliuu: taipei….lez go back I miss this so much.

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:54:00 -0800

bliuu:

taipei….lez go back

I miss this so much.

bliuu: my favorite episode! 4:04 Oh my god I just watched this...

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:35:00 -0800

bliuu:

my favorite episode! 4:04

Oh my god I just watched this like three times. I want to watch the Winnie the Pooh movie now. Silly old bear.