Like water
From my 25 page masters thesis for my senior English class, section ten (slight edits):
I once wrote the following:
“I can still feel the tears running down my face the day my parents told me the news and the day of my grandma’s funeral. It burns, and it leaves me so thirsty. Not necessarily for water, but to fill that gaping hole which I felt had formed in my heart.”
In Like Water by Elizabeth Spires, I was shocked to read the following lines:
You paused,
drawing in a breath. “It’s like a thirst that deepens
as each day passes. Like water,” you finally said.
“I want him back the way I want a drink of water.”
It’s a thirst that can never be quenched.
Of all the pages I have written thus far, this section is by far the most difficult. I have considered taking it out, I have considered re-writing it, and I have considered combining it with another section.
But this quote I think deserves to stand alone:
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost” (Chesterton).
It isn’t until it’s lost, however, that we realize that it could be lost.
It’s not until we’re standing alone, and feeling lonely, that we are able to recall all that had gone wrong, the mistakes we’ve made, or just how much we needed he or she who was lost. It is then, and only then, until we are able to appreciate anything and everything that the person brought into our lives, whether it is a lover, a friend, or even a grandmother.
And this feeling is the worst in the world. I feel hopeless, even though I know my happiness is in my own control, and I feel increasingly insecure. And what is this I feel? Alone, perhaps? But “alone,” alone is when you’re alone in an empty room, and lonely is when you’re in a crowded room, yet you feel alone. Alone is just an exclamation mark on a blank page, while lonely is an exclamation mark on a page filled with commas.
I’m that exclamation mark.
But I know as life progresses, I will only get thirstier, and nothing that I try to do will be able to quench this thirst.
You can’t love until you’ve lost.
