I wrote this for a English (SFHP) project. Thought it would be worth sharing. It’s called “ninety.” Hopefully, it’s worth reading.

zero

Literature always seems to be analyzed to death. Perhaps, Professor, Fitzgerald simply felt like white would be a good color for Daisy to wear. However, my friends, it’s not just literature that is overanalyzed. It seems as if we humans are unable to stop and just simply accept something as it is—there’s always a deeper meaning, there’s always an undiscovered message, and there’s always a hidden reason. Thus nothing that is or will be on this planet can escape humans’ innate curiosity, not even the most rudimentary and fundamental parts of our lives, including sleep.

That’s right, scientists have been able to analyze sleep and break it down for us, because every just must know how sleep works, it is simply essential to living. But they have, and thus our sleep is broken down into cycles, with each cycle composed of five stages. We begin with theta sleep, and as time passes we progress into a stage with sleep spindles, then deep delta sleep, back to the sleep spindles, and into REM sleep. Five stages, forming one ninety-minute cycle.

But I could care less about my theta brain waves or even the possible occurrence of sleep walking with the presence of delta waves—no, none of that matters. What’s important to me is the rapid eye movement, or REM, stage. Why does this stand out, you may ask? Well, studies have been done which show that the REM stage is closely linked to our memories and even our ability to store memories.

Well Freud, I guess our subconscious does, in a sense, exist.

And here, we dream.

Dream on.

one

My eyes felt heavy, and they closed involuntarily. 

I look down, and I see five problems typed neatly on a crisp sheet of white paper. With my pen, I scribble down my name, and I read the five problems.

P(You will get this problem correct)

P(You will get this problem wrong)

P(You will get an A on this test)

P(You will get an A in this class)

P(You will get a zero on this test)

Above these five questions, there is a set of data.

But who needs the data? I can answer these by myself, easy.

P(You will get this problem correct)  = 1.0

P(You will get this problem wrong) = 0

P(You will get an A on this test) = 1.0

P(You will get an A in this class) = 1.0

P(You will get a zero on this test) = 0

And I turned it in.

The teacher looked at me funny, bewildered almost, that I was already done. I insisted to turn my test in, and once he placed my test into his folder, I promptly returned to my seat with a smile on my face and began to listen to music.

I felt good. I mean, how can I possibly fail?

It’s not like I studied or anything.

I got a zero.

two

I’m afraid to open my eyes.

There must someone down there to catch me.

I feel the wind pushing against me, as if it were trying to cushion or break the fall. But it’s too weak. I feel the sun’s warm rays pulling me back up, but that too, isn’t strong enough to stop me

They said that it was impossible for anyone to survive a fall like this, and I felt the need to prove them wrong. I mean, I’ve lived through everything imaginable—a collision with a truck, lightning, and any natural disaster you can think of.

But please, I can do anything. I am capable of anything I want and set my mind to.

But wait. Something feels off. I’m just falling. How can I be sure that there is someone down there to break my fall?

Wait. 

What if those experiences were not real? And I can’t survive everything?

There has to be someone down there 

to catch me—right?

I feel like I’m 

falling 

faster.

And
even
faster.

I’m afraid
to open
my eyes.

I finally open
my eyes to 

the hood of a car and was treated to the lifeless scream of a bystander.

three

The first thing I see is a huge expanse of glass. On my side of the glass, it feels cold, dark, and damp, while I feel warmth and heat emanating from the opposite side. I look inside and realize that I’m looking into a storefront, I can make out a few tables and chairs and the all-too familiar bar with a cashier and a huge espresso machine. It’s as if I’m in a battle with my vision, as some things clear up other things fade away. I can now also see figures—I think I know these people. I think I know them very well.

I’m freezing out here, but those people look so warm. I still can’t make out their faces, but their presence makes me feel so at ease, so… familiar. Although I can’t seem to grasp as to why, but I know I would very much like to join them. They seem happy—maybe I can be happy with them.

All I can see, however, is the expanse of glass that is the storefront, but not a way in. There is no door; there is no opening for me to go though. I’m stuck out here, it seems. I’m stuck in my solidarity and my thoughts, my painful thoughts. 

I know. 

I know who they are now. 

They look familiar because they are familiar, more than familiar. Everyone I have ever loved is behind that glass in the warmth, enjoying each other’s presence. 

But how can they possibly have such a good time without me? For I am the missing link, I know it. Those two on the right would have never met without me, and that group of three on the left doesn’t talk without me. I look up to the skies, and I see snow. I don’t remember ever seeing snow fall before in my life, yet this feels so real. It’s getting colder. I swear, any moment now they’re going to realize that I’m missing, and that they need me. Maybe—

Oh. Wait. 

They don’t need me—they don’t want me. 

I get it. 

I guess I must have done something wrong to deserve to stand outside in the cold, alone and miserable. The fact that they don’t even sense my presence, or even my lack of presence with them, hurts the most. I remember this feeling. 

But what am I doing wrong?

I’m paralyzed. I can’t move anything, not even my eyes. I’m in this horrid fixed position, forced to witness my worst nightmare, which is just this one, simple, scene. 

I’m alone.

four

She didn’t say anything to me, but I can swear that she was standing in her favorite spot in the kitchen, cooking away.

“Grandma, I miss you,” I managed to utter.

She looked at me lovingly with those understanding eyes, nodded and only smiled.

“Why did you have to leave? I still needed you to guide me, and you left.”

The response was the same—a couple nods, and that smile. That comforting smile, the smile I haven’t seen in years. She looked exactly like a photograph I just saw a couple days ago, before the cancer hit. The lines were there, but she wasn’t frail or thin. She looked like the grandma I remember, strong, headfast, and full of energy.

I began to break down into tears. I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing—is she really standing there? I was paralyzed, afraid to move. Afraid to do anything that might, even in the slightest, alter that moment. Sentimentality and longing struck me the hardest that they possibly can and ever will.

“You don’t know what I’ve been though, you don’t know how much you’ve missed out on, and you don’t know how much I hate myself, how much I hate my life.” Sobs made their way after every other word, with my tears hitting the floor providing a rhythm of sorts.

For the third time, she turns to me, nods a couple times, and smiles. This time, however, was different. Her eyes were different. They didn’t look alive and alert, but tired and weary. Her gaze was unwavering, but I understood what she meant.

She knows.

She knows everything.

“Then… why? Why did… why?” It seemed as if I could only muster up that one word, but I knew I didn’t need to say much.

Her expression changed again. She didn’t have to say anything, as words are completely unnecessary for her now, but I understood what she wanted to say.

Something’s wrong with me.

five

I have this sudden de-ja-vu feeling. Here I am again, looking down at a crisp sheet of white paper. But this time, this is all I see:

0100011001101111011100100010000001100001001000000110110101101111011011010110010101101110011101000010110000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000001110100011000010110101101100101001000000110000100100000011100110111010001100101011100000010000001100010011000010110001101101011001000000110011001110010011011110110110100100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001101100011010010110011001100101001011000010000001100001011011100110010000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000001110100011010000110100101101110011010110010111000100000010101000110100001101001011011100110101100100000011000010110001001101111011101010111010000100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001100011011010000110000101110010011000010110001101110100011001010111001000100000011000010110111001100100001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110000011001010111001001110011011011110110111000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101110010011001010010111000100000010010010111010000100111011100110010000001101110011011110111010000100000011001110110111101101001011011100110011100100000011101000110111100100000011000100110010100100000011011110111010001101000011001010111001000100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101001001110111001100100000011001100110000101110101011011000111010001110011001000000110010101110110011001010111001001111001001000000111010001101001011011010110010100101100001000000110001001110101011101000010000001101001011001100010000001111001011011110111010100100000011000110110111101101110011101000110100101101110011101010110010100100000011101000110100001101001011011100110101101101001011011100110011100100000011101000110100001100001011101000010000001111001011011110111010101110010001000000110000101110010011100100110111101100111011000010110111001100011011001010010000001110111011010010110110001101100001000000111000001110101011101000010000001111001011011110111010100100000011101000110111100100000011001100110000101110101011011000111010000101110001000000101100101101111011101010010011101101100011011000010000001110011011001010110010100100000011011110110111001100101001000000110010001100001011110010010000001110100011010000110000101110100001000000111000001110010011010010110010001100101001000000111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010010000001101001011100110110111000100111011101000010000001100001011011000110110000100000011101000110100001100001011101000010000001101001011011010111000001101111011100100111010001100001011011100111010000101110

I have no idea what this means. 

I suddenly remembered getting that zero, falling, standing in the cold alone, and my grandmother. Everything linked together in an instant. The message cleared up for me, and at last, I understood.

This is what my grandma meant. I could hear her voice in saying, “For a moment, just take a step back from your life, and just think. Think about your character and the person you are. It’s not going to be the error of others every time, but if you continue thinking that your arrogance will put you to fault. You’ll see one day that pride really isn’t all that important.” 

And I finally woke up.

by Alton Wang